| 2004-04-23 |
Learning From All Our Relationships... |
All of our issues come up in our relationships - our fears of domination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed, or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss of self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learned protections - anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and compliance.<br><br>
While our dysfunctional patterns emerge most clearly in primary relationships with a partner, these patterns are certainly activated in friendships, work relationships, and relationships with our parents and children. Therefore, if you are not in a primary relationship with a partner, do not despair! You can still be learning from and evolving through all your relationships.<br><br>
Craig, one of my clients, has not been in a committed relationship for about seven years. Yet most of the work we do together revolves around the problems he has in his work relationships and friendships. Craig is a person who hates to be controlled by others. As soon as he feels someone wanting something from him such as time, attention, or approval, he feels smothered and withdraws. He is highly sensitive to people coming to him from an inner emptiness and "pulling" on him to fill them up. However, his withdrawal doesn’t work well for him. When a "puller" comes up against Craig’s resistance, the other person tends to pull even more. Craig, who doesn’t want to appear rude, ends up giving himself up and caretaking - giving the person what he or she wants. He then feels angry and finds himself not even wanting to be around that person any more. This same dynamic occurred in both of his marriages.
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Craig is in the process of developing a powerful adult self who can speak his truth when feeling pulled on rather than withdrawing or complying. He is learning that it may be loving to himself to be open to learning with the other person and say something like, "I feel there is something you are wanting from me. What is it?" He is learning that it may be loving to himself to say, "When you pull on me for approval (or time or attention), it doesn’t feel good. I would like to have a caring relationship with you, but I don’t want to be responsible for your good feelings."
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